You thought you wanted to find someone who understands you for who you are. You wanted to find anyone; a friend, a brother, a sister, a lover, or maybe even a next-door neighbor.
The thing is, you eventually found them. A bunch of people. A few of INFJs, INTPs, ENTJs, ENTPs, and another ton of personalities you actually give zero fuck about. You found a couple of Geminis, a small group of Taurus, a normal amount of Aries, and a freaking sick Leo.
You felt like you found something in them. Something new. Something to discover. Something that could shape you as a human. But then you realized that you found nothing at all. You are lost in the sea of people you found.
Here is an idea.
Has it ever occurred to you that you just wanted to find yourself?
But, you can’t. As in you can’t find yourself in someone else. In somebody. You are just going to lose yourself all over again. Because you always had the idea that you finally got what you wanted when you found someone new.
The truth is, you didn’t. You didn’t get it the way you thought you did. You are just painting yourself black and white in a life full of color.
You found blue. Red. Green. Yellow. Violet. Gold.
You thought you were one of them. But you were not, you are not, and probably will never be. You’ve been making yourself more blurry each day you live on earth, like a picture you take in a rush.
Last week, you told yourself, “I want to be me.”
But, who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who the fuck are you?
Right now, you are thinking to end things. To end the black and white you painted. To end you. You believe that another soul deserves to be in your place, to live the life you don’t want anymore.
You want to scream. You want something to split you in half. You want someone to bore a hole right on your forehead. You want somebody to slice your throat. You want a funeral.
But then you close your eyes and feel the breath you just let out. You know there is a heartbeat in you. You roll over on your back and feel it stings. You are still alive.
There is no exit unless you are given an exit.
There is no way out unless you are given a way out.
And now you are wondering about what to find; someone, yourself, or a fucking way out.
